falling in love with Jesus
was the best thing I’ve ever done
In His arms
I feel protected
In His arms
Never disconnected
In His arms
I feel protected
There’s no place I’d rather
Rather be
I’m sitting in a library, tucked away in a corner over looking bookcases that are full of creativity and vision. It’s a Monday afternoon. The library is surprisingly a little full today. I guess it’s not that surprising because everyone jokes that in Georgia nobody has a real job. They either WFH, are scammers, or they’re out here trying to make their dreams come true. So, why wouldn’t this library be full at 3:10 pm?
As someone who falls in the [unemployed] trying-to-make-their-dreams-come-true category, I have been occupying this library frequently over the past month. I finally got my own library card, as I wholeheartedly believe every adult should have their own. I used to love going to the public library as a child with my mom. I would beg her to take me. I always looked for the stories that would transport me to another world. A lot of them love stories. Some coming of age. Others helping affirm my blackness. Either way, the books gave me so much hope for a beautiful future. Romanticizing became a skill. A necessity.
I now sit in this library as a 23 year old emerging adult/teenager, completely romanticizing the experience. I put on my cute little outfit, put my hair in my cute little claw clip (thank you to the white girlies because y’all ATE with the claw clip), and drove in my cute little car to come to the library to read books from cute little authors (Nikki Giovanni & bell hooks).
With the amount of people here at the library I didn’t think I would even find a nice, quite place to duck off to. I hate being in the mix and I’m coming to the library for the scenery, not to be seen. This is my “fly on the wall” place.
As I walked around the library looking for a good place to hide, I was getting discouraged with the amount of eyes that kept looking back at me. Like dang, I wish some of y’all would go get a job because you’re crowding my safe space. But I guess that’s why they call it the public library.
To my surprise, at the end of my journey I saw that one of my favorite seats happened available. It’s a single-seat couch with a circle tray-thingy for my laptop. It’s set right in the middle of two windows, which I love because I live for natural light. Nothing makes me happier. The chair is brown. Not a special shade of brown, but it goes with all the brown decor in the library. The wood bookshelves. The awnings in the roof that spread across the entire structure of the building. The best part is that you can get a glimpse of almost all the bookshelves in the library from this one seat. The library isn’t big. It’s cozy. Almost bookshop vibes. It’s a nice place to get away and think, when even the silence of my bedroom is too loud.
Some may think that it was luck or even a coincidence that I was able to sit in one of my favorite seats. I, sweetie, don’t believe in coincidences. I think life, and the One who created it, is far too intentional for me to luckily find a seat in this crowded library. Not just any seat. My favorite seat.
It wasn’t a coincidence. It was God. Showing me that He cares about every little detail of my life.
I have been a relationship girlie my entire life. Romcoms, romance novels, a family full of marriages, and parents that happened to fall in love with each other at 14 will do that to you. This year, however, I noticed that my desire for marriage has been incredibly high. So high, I’m giving the “nice guy” a chance, when we all know “nice guy” doesn’t always mean “nice-looking guy”.
Forgive me Lord, but it’s the truth.
I had this idea that I was destined to find love, true love, and that the only way I would be able to do that was through my husband.
I’m a sucker for love stories, but nothing beats the OG meet-cute. I was always so intrigued by the story of Adam and Eve. If anybody had game, it was my boy Adam. The first thing that you say to the woman created from your rib was “bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh. She shall be called woman because she was taken from man.”???????? I don’t know ‘bout you, but I woulda folded. IMMEDIATELY.
I know this story sounds unfathomable to many, like most stories in the Bible, but I’m not here to debate that on MY SUBSTACK. We #teamJesus over here all the way. However, I couldn’t help but wonder (this has to officially be the writers tagline. Somebody keep me updated if we find a tagline from a black female fictional character.) was I somebody’s rib?
Where was my Adam?
Then, one day I realized the only person who knew who he was and where he was, was not going to tell me. And I had to come to grips with that.
This entire year I feel that God has been telling me to be single. In true Nia fashion I have fought him on it ALL year. Refusing to let go of the constant recycling of my old roster. Fantasizing about men I’ve never met. Typical girl tings.
My pastor has recently been teaching a series on the much needed tool of wisdom. In one of his sermons he said that having faith in God is trusting Him with your success and your satisfaction. I’ve always been cool with the success part, but I’ve never truly let God come in and control my relationship choices. Even though God’s plans always prevail (Proverbs 19:21), I guess there’s a part of me that thought only I knew what was best for me when it came to men. More than the Man who created men???? Insane, I know. This revelation from my spiritual leader also led me to realize that I didn’t believe I could be satisfied with just me and God.
How was God going to hold my hand? Hold me when I needed comforting? Laugh at the sound of my crazy laugh, or look at me like I was the best thing He had ever seen?
One prayer God is going to answer quickly is a prayer that aligns with His will for you. His will: for you to know that He loves you. One of God’s many names is El Roi, which means The God Who Sees Me. A name that was revealed in a biblical story where a woman really needed God’s presence and love.
“Loveeeee, I need you to know you are special” playing through the speakers as I write this. Tell me God isn’t intentional…..
For the past few weeks God has been showing me that He is enough. Everything I want in a blue blooded man I can receive from Him. Why? Well, God is the source of all things. 1 John 4:8 (my substack anchor scripture) says, But anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.
As someone who has been exposed to love her entire life through family and fictional content, I realized I didn’t truly know what love was until I allowed God to come into my life and show me His love. Not the love that I think I’ve experienced from emotionally immature men. Not the marriages that were all influenced by different life and spiritual principles. And definitely not the very unrealistic romcom storylines that prey on our loneliness and naiveite (imma still watch them though). Love that was rooted in God’s character. Consistency, honesty, care, comfort, patience, forgiveness, kindness. The list goes on.
Now that I have finally surrendered to the idea of singleness with God, and singleness God’s way, I decided I wanted to romanticize this experience. I wanted to share my experience with a community I have yet to find. Also, I missed writing. Some things you can’t put into words, but the things that you can, I feel that you should. Nothing sticks like words. It’s one of the only mediums that you can go back to and reflect on wholly because the words you wrote are staring right back at you. Words paint a picture. They help you remember who you were at that point and time. I want that for myself on this journey.
I want to be able to say “Look at how far you’ve come Nia. How much you’ve grown.”
I believe too many people, especially women, spend their single seasons dreading it because they haven’t found their Adam yet. I get it, being alone is hard sometimes. As much as I love God’s presence I can’t look at Him smiling at me on FaceTime. There’s only one time I’m going to be able to see His face, and I ain’t ready for that yet. I can’t wait a littleeeee longer. I’m not that lonely.
This substack, like my singleness journey, won’t be about pinning after guys and scandalous new dating stories. We are not sexing in the city right now. We’re in the house having bible study, writing substacks, and going to church. We’re also sitting in a cozy little library from time to time.
I want this time in my life to center around me and God. A time where I can get to know me for me. The way God sees me. Finding God everywhere and in everything I do. Whatever wisdom, moments of clarity, and inspiration God lays on my heart you’ll have a substack to read about it.
I pray that I continue to learn more about God and His love everyday. I pray that anyone who comes across my substack is touched in the most pure and unforgettable way. Not because of me, but because God is here. May you see His love, too.
Amen.
This is good. I’ve found my Adam(literally my last name now)but I can tell you that it is so good to have a beautiful, intimate relationship with Jesus because first of all, best friend ever, and second, Jesus stands in all the gaps human Adam cannot fill. And Jesus is a Saviour. Of souls. Better than any Adam can give. God bless you, sister. May you ever walk deeper.
The way I enjoyed reading this. Not simply because of the content but because of the honesty perfectly blended with your amusing writing personality (hopefully that makes sense). Thank you for writing 🤭